the momentous in-between

| March 24, 2013 | 7 Replies

On my walk to the beach I snap pictures of other people’s yards.

thank God for crocuses

 

Winter and spring coexist right now, and for all my talk of warmer weather, I’ll be sorry if I miss this. The momentous in-between.

somebody else's garden

The earth softens underfoot. New-minted green peeps out from the latest snow. My life coincides with this season. One chapter closes, and I am eager to turn the page to what’s next.

green + snow

Above the ocean, I settle down with my Marie Howe book. The grass is only beginning to renew itself, but I’ll let it practice cradling a human head. My gloves are on while summer thrums through my veins.

me and Marie

I spy my first insects of the year: a fly in the grass, a few gnats buzzing overhead. A spider crawls across the page. An itsy bitsy spider, like the one I sing about at school with two-year-olds.

itsy bitsy spider

Eyes shut against the blinding sun, I listen to the industrious sparrows; they always remember to sing while they work. Remember isn’t the word for it. To be a sparrow is to sing. To be two years old is to sing, too.

sparrow

Waves hum against the sand, and in the distance church bells ring, not the hour but a hymn. It must be the end of a Palm Sunday service. The doors open and the congregation files out into the sunlight. Lying in the grass, I’m yanked back ten years: to the woman I was when I was first a woman.

Oh, that woman scarcely missed a church service. If she lay in the grass, it wasn’t on a Sunday morning, and she’d have a Bible in her hand, not a book of poems. She’d pray through the names of the children she taught, brow creased in concentration.

She didn’t guess at the praying she’d learn later, when many things fell apart. She didn’t know about the poems she’d memorize on the beach, or the slow, solitary walks, or how she’d learn to behold her students with an awe that felt more like prayer than prayer itself.

A few days ago my friend Marika came over for tea, and spoke to me of bringing the divine feminine back into the church. “I’m up for that,” I told her, and meant it. I’ve never believed my truancy to be a permanent condition.

Tears spring into my eyes. I’m filled with a longing for the woman I used to be. I don’t want to change her or whisper wisdom in her ear. I just want twenty-two-year-old Hannah to make her way home from church and come sit beside me watching the waves. She’s working so hard to get everything right: pouring herself into her first teaching job, fearing nothing for her first marriage, serving her church unflinchingly, as though it were God himself. Virtue lies heavy upon her shoulders, but secretly she spends a lot of time wishing she had Jennifer Aniston’s abs.

I raise my head from the newborn grass and look at the ocean, and at my cheap sneakers. I know next to nothing about what lies ahead, but this frightens me less than it used to.

ocean and sneakers

Forty-two-year-old Hannah sits at my other side. The furrows in her brow have grown deeper. She has children now, or maybe not. Her abs still look nothing like Jennifer Aniston’s. She knows that actually she never wanted anyone else’s abs but simply to feel her own beauty.

All three of us sit here for a while, reading Marie Howe, watching strangers on the beach, enjoying the momentous in-between.

the momentous in-between

Category: beauty, body, love, outside, remaining calm, the seasons

Hannah Lynn Mell

About the Author ()

Hannah Lynn Mell grew up a missionary kid in Kailua-Kona, Hawaii. Now she lives in Rowley, Massachusetts with her exquisitely kind husband David, their plucky three-legged cat Thomas, and a needy-yet-lovable dachshund named Birdie. She's worked with singers since 1998 and loves to help people of all ages free their voices.

Comments (7)

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  1. Mum says:

    Why is my sigh sooo very very deep?
    Lovely Lady Daughter, Friend?
    I love you
    Mama
    PS Lydia just sighed sweetly in her crib at the top of the stairs

  2. Nancy says:

    daughters and mothers and sisters and granddaughters…such a magnificent strain in the melody of life…on and on we go…love is eternal, and oh, whole. Dance on, Hannah, Kim…Mikaila…Lydia – you are us. We are you. Image of God.

  3. Judy T says:

    Hannah – This one really touched me. I can sit with 24 year old Judy, 34 year old Judy, 44 year old Judy and 64 year old Judy. I see the changes, the constants, the new challenges. I pray that I continue to grasp each new decade with the happy, contented feeling I have today, and can take a que from you to sit and listen at each junction. JT

  4. Emily says:

    Hannah, this was beautiful. I relate with it in so many ways – longing for the simplicity when I was a regular churchgoing girl, and so aware of how much more content and fulfilled I feel these days. Keep writing! 🙂

    Emily

    • To all the beautiful women who commented – THANKS! Emily, it’s been a hundred years since we caught up. It’s good for my soul to hear from you. This one felt healing to write, so I’m grateful it touched some of the women I love.

  5. cindy says:

    I love your site, i just happened to stumble onto it. I always have a recurring dream of going to Hawaii, I don’t know why. I assume it’s because i’ve always wanted to be able to go, and i know i never will be able to. It’s actually very sad. Can you write something that explains what it’s like to live there and pictures. I often live Vicariously through others.
    I’ve taken quite alot of pictures of NYS where i’m from, then i paint pictures from them. If you ever want someone to join you on your adventures, i would love to. Keep up the great work.
    An admirer.

    • Hi Cindy! Thanks so much for the comment. Alas, I haven’t been to Hawaii since I left 18 years ago. It astounds me that it’s been that long, because the islands remain firmly embedded in my idea of who I am. I’ll bet I could round up some photos from friends and write about it! My little bro and my in-laws both recently visited Hawaii, and I’ve certainly been living vicariously through them. It would be awesome to meet someday, for an adventure or for a cup o tea.

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